Self-Esteem, Confidence Building and Ego-Strengthening.

-  related topics : Examination techniques and Concentration skills and English as a second language.

Thankyou for taking the time to visit my website.  If you are interested in improving your self-esteem,  your confidence or if you are simply interested in self-esteem and confidence I have detailed as follows a case study which I hope will be of interest to you.  Related topics include examination techniques and English as a second language.   I have changed some of the information for the purposes of confidentiality and the case study. 

I hope that by reading about a real person it will illustrate how I operate and will enable the therapy to come alive for you. 

This is only a single example of how I work and if some of the information is of interest to you I will be very pleased,  if not then I hope you enjoy the read.  If you think that anything is of interest to you or that we can work together or if you would simply like to have a no obligation chat please do not hesitate to call me when you are ready. 

Marianne.

The first contact that I had from Marianne was a telephone call from a gentleman called Andrew.  He explained that he represented Marianne as her Guardian since neither of her parents spoke any English.  Andrew ( from New Zealand originally ) explained that Marianne was from an island off the coast China and had been studying in this country from the age of 17.  She had achieved good A levels and then attended a University in Surrey where she had achieved a Distinction in her chosen diploma however she had not been happy at the university and had recently transferred to the local one in Hertfordshire where she is struggling and unhappy. Andrew said that he had encouraged Marianne to see a hypnotherapist whilst in Surrey and she had indeed visited one and that the purpose of his call to me today was to find out how I worked and to ascertain whether my skills would be of any use to Marianne.

I said to Andrew that I would be more than happy to work with Marianne and would answer any questions he had regarding how I work,  however I would like to talk to Marianne myself if possible before booking the appointment.  I explained that my therapy was underpinned by a requirement that both parties in the alliance make commitments to the other and if they felt for any reason that they could not meet these requirements then I may not be the right therapist for them.  I explained that as the therapist I would be fully prepared and in a positive frame of mind to work with Marianne at all times and effectively.  I would treat her with respect and professionalism and treat all communications / discussions with complete confidentiality.  However in return I would ask that Marianne turns up on time wherever possible and also agrees to spend a little time each day ( no more than half an hour ) on for example any tasks that I may set her,  to listen to my recordings or anything else that may be of benefit to the desired outcome. He explained that she was not as confident on the telephone as she was ‘face to face’ since she believed she  ‘understood more ’ in face to face conversations and she did not like to keep asking someone to repeat themselves if she had not heard and understood what they may have said. 

Andrew was happy with what I had told him and agreed to ask Marianne if she would call me direct.                

Marianne contacted me that evening at approx 6.30pm.  She was very softly spoken and simply said that Andrew had spoken to her that afternoon. I asked if she was able to give me a bit of her time now on the telephone – about 10minutes – just to get some background information which she was happy to do.  I asked her how she felt I would be able to help her and whilst she was talking I made key point notes for future reference as well as listening to decipher her primary modality,  noting her tone and mood,  the style of her speech ( long sentences/ short / use of metaphors / third person references ) and so on – anything that I felt may be of use in a therapy session.  Marianne spoke freely and clearly showing good understanding and use of the English language and seemed happy to talk. 

She said that she had transferred universities because she had not been happy in Surrey.  It had been too noisy and she found it difficult to concentrate on her work.  The other students in the accommodation were often out late and then returned to play music until 3 o’clock in the morning,  they banged on her door, they set off the fire alarm at 4am once and the lift was constantly getting broken because students ‘jumped around in it. ’  Marianne had lived on the 7^th floor so constantly had to climb flights of stairs because the lift was out of order.  She had contacted Andrew who rang round several universities on her behalf and found her a place at theHertfordshireUniversity and she was there now. However the accommodation still had all the same problems infact slightly worse as the university

‘ are silly to build accommodation round pubs or discos because on a Sunday when I am reading or studying I don’t listen to music…..any noise will disturb me… I need to spend double or triple time and sometimes I need to read a few times before I get the message / understand it. Sometimes I need to spend time on the dictionary finding out what that word means’

whereas for my British friends they just seem to have loads of free time.  Sometimes when they ask me to go out for a drink I say ‘ no,  I have to do my work and do my reading.’ She said that one of her tutors had an very strong accent which she could not understand and she thought ‘ I can now only rely on self study and this worries me if I can pass the course or not.’  Marianne said that she had thought about going home but that would mean she would miss lectures and classes and ‘ waste my parents money.’

Having listened to Marianne’s concerns I asked her how she felt I could help her – if she decided to come and work with me,  what did she think we could do to help her to which she replied that she wanted to ‘ concentrate better and not get frustrated with myself.’ 

I said that was an area we could certainly work on together.  I said Andrew had told me she had visited a hypnotherapist in Surrey and asked whether that experience had helped her in any way. She said that she had only visited the therapist once – he listened to her problems and then hypnotised her ( she did not pass comment as to whether the experience had been beneficial ).  She said that she had not wanted to visit a therapist ‘ as she was not crazy ’( in her home town she would have been seen as crazy and seeing a therapist would be seen as very much a last resort along with medical treatment ) however

Andrew had said ‘ it is like an unconscious thing,  talking to your brain,  that perhaps will be helpful and will help you not to feel so anxious about things.’

I explained that I used words and questions to get to the real meaning of feelings, thoughts and emotions and then

‘ once the client and I are both happy with our understanding I use relaxation and hypnosis to help the client work out for themselves what they can do to feel better – or in your case to help you concentrate better and get less frustrated with yourself.’

I told Marianne that I do set tasks from time to time like listening to a recording I may have made or keeping a journal and so on however I assured her that if she decided to work with me the tasks would not take more than half an hour in the day to complete as I was aware she was studying hard. I explained that the tasks would reinforce the therapy and that I required a commitment from clients to do the tasks.  I assured her in return that I would prepare fully for our work together and I would respect her and be professional at all times keeping every communication and discussion between us completely confidential.

I asked if she felt she could work with me and she said yes,  following which I asked her the same question that I ask all my clients – ‘ did she truly desire change in her life ’ to which she confirmed she wanted very much to feel better and less anxious.  I said that I would email her one of my information packs which included information about myself,  my qualifications, my terms of business,  a client intake form and a consent form.  I asked that she read through the consent form and client intake registration form carefully before signing it and if she had any queries either to give me a call or perhaps discuss it with Andrew – I asked if she could return the completed forms to me before our first session in order that I could have a read through them at leisure and not use up valuable time in her session.   I suggested she booked four sessions which she was happy to do and we booked them all in at the time of our conversation so she could be guaranteed the times she wanted.  I also said if she wanted to bring a friend along / a chaperone she was more than welcome Given that the sessions were booked for 6.30pm – 8pm in the evening and that English was not her first language she was welcome to record the sessions if she liked or I could record them for her and post her the disc.

Marianne volunteered a lot of information during the telephone call which lasted for 20-25mins.

I asked Marianne if she had any questions and she said no.  I confirmed the first appointment date and time and said I was looking forward to working with her.

Session 1 of 4 – 6.30 – 8pm.

Preparation – When I had been speaking to Marianne on the telephone her primary modality seemed to be Auditory ( she processed information in a ‘ hearing ’way ) and secondary Kinaesthetic ( feelings / touch ).  She used words like ‘talk / speak out.’  When telling me about tutorials she said ‘ I don’t want the person to think I have difficulty listening’ and

‘ ….particularly if there are students who are particularly outstanding then I will switch off.  I find it very odd with myself when I feel nervous,  I talk in a way that is very strange like how Chinese people speak English but when I am with people I feel familiar with sometimes I pick up the British accent and things and talk,  I feel ok.  I don’t want them to hear that I feel nervous and speak in a way that is flat intonation….in my first two years I did not say much in class because I was brought up to listen and learn.’

Marianne had also said that when she was deciding which country to study in she chose the UKbecause she liked the British accent. Andrew had said that Marianne felt much more confident talking face to face with people than on the telephone and infact Marianne herself said when I had asked her if it was difficult to transfer universities mid term that ‘ I personally find it a lot more difficult to talk to a native speaker on the phone,  to understand,  than face to face talking ’ hence why Andrew was so important to her.

Marianne came across as a very bright girl and her understanding and use of the English language was excellent so apart from deciding to speak slightly more slowly and clearly I was not concerned that we would have a language problem. 

Marianne had returned the client intake registration form to me in the post prior to the first session ( signed ) so I was able to process the information.  Marianne was 22 years old and listed her occupation as a student however detailed that she had achieved a Distinction in her Diploma ( at Surrey ) and that she was working towards a BSc( Hons ) in Accountancy at HertfordshireUniversity.  She is an only child.  She wrote ( in any issues that she would like to resolve ) ‘ need to concentrate better and get less frustrated with myself and less anxious.’  Under ‘ what is the outcome you are looking for ’ she wrote ‘ more relaxation and to find study less difficult.’  In the box marked ‘ what stops you achieving this on your own ‘ she wrot  ‘ too much noise and disruption,  can’t relax,  and get annoyed.’ 

Marianne had signed the consent statement.

During the initial telephone conversation Marianne seemed to have a respect for authority and right and wrong – when she was disturbed by noise from neighbours she went to see the Dean of Students who gave her a procedure to follow – namely call the warden if it happens again,  which she duly did. 

When she was leaving Surrey University she asked the Dean to speak to Andrew because she wanted the University to know what had made her leave and she wrote a letter to them ‘ my experience in Surrey is like a nightmare and hopefully she [ the Dean ] said they could try and prevent things like this happening in the future.’  Marianne said ‘ I couldn’t stand noisy neighbours – drinking,  having fun,   making trouble….that’s not why I came here.  If I had wanted fun I could have stayed at home and not wasted my parent’s money…. They [ other students ] like drinking and waste police and NHS money.’ 

I decided to utilize Marianne’s primary modality ( auditory ) together with kinaesthetic in the script I had prepared and also to use imagery that focussed on something she had said in the initial conversation. She recalled that at 7 or 8 years old her mother had asked if she wanted a baby brother of sister and she had replied no because she did not want to  ‘ share her toys or parents.’  I wanted to show her the potential of her own mind not simply with regards to information processing but also to help her relax and ‘ concentrate ’( Marianne’s word ). There were no contraindications in Marianne’s medical history.  I bought a lemon (!) – see later – and made sure that I had one of my discs containing some of my recordings for her to take away to support her session.

Session One of Four –

6.30pm – 8pm

Marianne arrived exactly on time and on her own.  She was polite and seemed relaxed and came into my office and sat down with ease.  We briefly chatted about her journey to my office and her day at university and then I suggested we ran through the client intake registration form / consent form which she was happy to do.  Her mood remained calm until we addressed ‘ issues that you would like to resolve.’  She said that she was very unhappy.  The accommodation she was in was in the city and she

‘ could not concentrate – there was noise outside from the discos and pubs and there was chatting noise,  TV,  music from the other rooms [ her university accommodation ].’

She repeated what she had said on the telephone to me that it was silly for the university to put student accommodation near pubs and discos.  She said that she had been to the Dean to complain and ask for new accommodation however she had been told that they do not move anyone for a few months to give people time to settle.  They said they would take her details and try and make other arrangements however she felt that they were ‘ ignoring her.’ She said that she liked very much the British way of teaching.  When she had been studying in her early years at home she was in a traditional school which taught everything in English however there were about 40-50 students in the classes,  the teacher was ‘God / The Boss ’ and students were supposed to ‘ sit and listen and take notes and if you asked a question the teacher would say why were you not listening.’  In the university where she was now Marianne said she liked the fact that there were never any more than 8 students in a tutorial,  they were encouraged to ask questions ‘… one thing I like even if I couldn’t finish all the work or got it wrong the lecturer will still be impressed because you tried and put some effort in it and they wont say you’ve got that all wrong,  you’re so stupid….Western teaching is much better.’ 

Marianne said that she had been very unhappy at her previous university – I asked if she had spoken to her parents and she said that her parents just wanted her to be happy however she added that her father had said ‘ don’t worry about wasting my money on a whole year tuition fees.’  She felt her parents would have no problem at all if she returned home just so long as she was happy.

Marianne continued that she had wanted since she was 12-13years old to go to the UK to study,  that it was considered a ‘dream’ of poor people to have their children educated here and that middle class and rich people chose it.  Those students who returned home from theUKwith a degree got better jobs than the local students. Despite her stress she did want to finish her degree and to then do an MA/ MBA.

I was aware of time and asked if she had any questions for me to which she said no.  I suggested that I run though the format of the session with her ( I considered that Marianne would respond well to this since she seemed to like order and structure ) and then we could proceed. 

I said that in a moment we would do a simple relaxation exercise and we would then do a bit of work on her goal namely the desire to concentrate more effectively and to help her relax.  We would then do an exercise that would help her see the potential of her own mind and then finish with some gentle relaxation and hypnosis.

We proceeded with a simple relaxation exercise together which we repeated several times until Marianne noticeably started to ‘ soften ’ and afterwards I said that this was just a simple exercise that she could do anywhere ( self-hypnosis ) to help her relax without anybody knowing she was doing anything – she could change the words to suit her moods and feelings.

Work section of the session –

I then asked Marianne what would make her happier, make her feel better( kinaesthetic ) bring harmony ( auditory ) back into her life.  She proceeded to tell me what was causing her stress and I used Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP ) language ( questions and responses ) techniques to decipher deeper meaning for both of us.  For example she said

she couldn’t study as there was too much noise

to which I asked her if there was noise all the time ? or anywhere where she could study that was not noisy.  She replied on reflection that she found it very difficult in her room as there was tv,  chatting noise, music from neighbours however the university library and town centre library was quiet.  So we immediately established she could study in places where there was less noise.  Marianne also said that she was very worried because one of the tutors had a strong accent and she could not understand anything he said to which I asked if she could understand some things that he said.  She acknowledged that infact she struggled in his class and ‘switched off’ and was now self studying the module he taught which was difficult.  However she had approached him and expressed her concern and he had happily agreed to see her whenever she wished to discuss aspects of the course.  Marianne accepted that

she could understand him but that she did have a problem understanding anyone with an accent. 

He had also suggested that he provide her with copies of his own course notes.  She agreed that things had improved over the last few weeks and that she liked the British education system that you can ‘ just go and talk to a lecturer and see them whenever you like and they will always help you and not think you are stupid .’  She also said that she did not want to waste her parent’s money to which I asked if they had given her any reason to think they believed she was wasting their money.  She smiled and said very confidently that they just wanted her to be happy to which I gently ‘lead’ the discussion and asked if maybe she ( Marianne ) was putting the pressure on herself not to waste their money as opposed to them putting any pressure on her to which she smiled knowingly and said maybe. We talked over some more points using the same method to break down meaning and understanding and summarised that if I could help her today find a quieter place to work,  remove some of the external ‘noise’ would that bring some harmony  ( auditory ) back into her life / does that resonate ( auditory ) with you ?

I then shared with Marianne a very simple two minute exercise that demonstrated the power of her mind using the imagery,  taste,  smell and feel of a fresh lemon.

I then said that if she was happy to do so we were now going to relax using hypnosis for a while – we would be repeating an exercise we learned earlier and then I would be telling her a story about a friend of mine and helping her find a quieter place to work by removing some of the external noise and sounds by using hypnosis ( I ran through the format of what was going to happen as Marianne seemed to respect structure and I mentioned hypnosis because that is what she said she came to me for – I wanted to give her the experience she wanted and was paying for ).

I asked if she was happy to proceed and assured her that at any time if she wanted to open her eyes she could.

The script utilized personal information Marianne had provided me with as well as language relating to her primary modality – auditory – thus potentiating the effectiveness of the treatment programme.  The therapy I planned was unique to her.

A few extracts of the script follow :

‘……. and now I am going to tell you a story about a friend of mine who always hoped to study one day in a foreign country…. even from being a young man…and when he became a young man he travelled abroad and it was a wonderful thing…. to listen to new sounds and hear new words… and everything was fascinating and the young man inside him was filled with the excitement of new things…’

‘… ….he realised that there must be adult time and child time…..he knew that he enjoyed studying his new books and looking into his dictionary to learn the meaning of new words and he told the child within him that certain places would become special…..’

‘…. because he realised that you cannot do everything all at once and that there is plenty of time to do the new and exciting things…..there has to be uptime for enjoying the new things and downtime for relaxation and recharging ……………’

‘………and he told me he gave himself permission to take times to relax and recuperate so that when he returned to his selected study areas he returned with readiness and was able to concentrate and work effectively …………’

‘…….and you told me that you said to your mother when you were 7 or 8 years old when she asked if you wanted a baby brother or baby sister that you did not want one… you did not want to share your toys or your mother or father with a baby brother or sister… and it can be the same with your mind……..and remember your mind is a powerful thing… you thought about a lemon……..so you do not have to share your mind if you choose not to with noises and sounds…………..’

‘…….. instead you will be able to focus your mind only on your work… until such time as you choose to share your mind with those sounds again………good sounds of people living their lives……….life……….a radio playing someone’s favourite music……… or a television playing their favourite film……or maybe it’s just in their background to keep them company……..maybe as you need silence and calm they need a sound…….company…….to remind them they are not alone…….just as you keep your computer on standby at night to keep your friends and family close at all times……. there are many quiet places…but few are silent……’

‘….and I’d like you to think of that beautiful place now…..your quiet place…look into that beautiful place and add the details… hear sounds that you have not heard before……feel the textures…. See the colours…… if there are beautiful flowers smell them….breath them in………and out…………look around you and really be in that beautiful place….and it’s so quiet and you can concentrate with ease on anything that comes into your mind…’

‘…… and you know that there are words and sounds everywhere around you….and you can hear them but you do not have to listen to them… because you can hear a neighbour talking but you do not have to listen to their conversation…..you can hear a radio in someone’s room playing to keep them company….life in their life……but you do not have to listen to what is playing on their radio…..have you ever watched a bird in Spring dart in and out of a hedge…..well,  you can’t stop it going into the hedge but you can stop it building a nest…………’

‘……someone once said to me that each of us owns a customised almost godlike goal achieving resource,  cleverly wrapped up in a three pound lump of grey matter………..our brains, ofcourse………and we hardly use a fraction of our brain ………’

‘…..you know you have a good mind…a strong mind…..you achieved Distinction last year for your studies….wow….well done you…..that little girl inside must be proud of the adult she has become…so you can choose to keep your mind for yourself …..press the off button to those things that you do not want to share your mind…’

‘……….and instead focus inwards for a while …only sharing with your mind your books,  your work,  the lectures you attend……’

[ Extracts only ]

Marianne re-orientated well and said that she had very much enjoyed the relaxation.  I suggested that Marianne’s ‘ homework’ for the week was that she try and use the in breath / out breath exercise over the next week as a form of self hypnosis ( not when she was driving or operating machinery ) and that if she wanted to she could change the words she used depending on the situation she found herself in.  I said that practicing the exercise would make it more effective and would ‘ re-charge’ it and changing the words to suit herself would also improve ( by personalising ) the effectiveness of the exercise.  I asked her if she had any questions or comments and we chatted for a while about various aspects and I then gave her a lemon to take away with her to place somewhere in her room as a fun reminder of our session and to do the exercises.

We confirmed her next session and I said that I would post her the recording of today’s session the following day.  I gave her a free disc which I give to all clients at their first session which included my own recordings to support treatment programmes. I asked her if she would like to work with group participation ( social and study groups ) and confidence building next week or if she had any other requests and she said she would be pleased to work with my suggestion.  I considered it appropriate to suggest a format for the next session as she seems to like structure.

6.30pm – 8pm

Preparation –

During our initial telephone conversation Marianne had said that she found it very difficult and stressful to concentrate when her neighbours were making a noise either during the day or especially at night playing music into the early hours. She was not ‘ here to have fun – I could have stayed at home and had fun and not wasted my fathers money.’

However she had said that sometimes she felt jealous of the English students because they had so much free time. She had also said that she enjoyed very much the style of teaching in the UK.  I decided to explore this with her today with the desired outcome being improving her self-esteem, emphasising her inner awareness,  the recognition and acceptance of her own uniqueness and the ability to make choices on her own behalf therefore helping her participate more comfortably in social and study groups.

The Session –

Marianne was on time again for the appointment and was relaxed.  I asked her how her week had been and she was pleased to say that the Dean of Students despite the fact that she had initially thought he was ignoring her requests for alternative accommodation because of the noise her fellow student neighbours were making had infact found her a host family who were happy for her to move in with them.  She was now sharing with a fellow student and was much happier except that the mother did not like Marianne leaving her computer on standby overnight ( something that Marianne still did because she felt connected to her family and friends ) – the father was lovely and the housemate was also very nice.  I asked if she had any feedback on our session last week and she said that she had enjoyed looking at the lemon as it very much reminded her of what had happened in the session and the power of her mind.  It had also reminded her to do ( practise ) her relaxation exercises – she had placed it on her desk in her room and even took it to one of her lectures.  The lecture taught by the man who had a strong accent that she struggled to understand however she took the lemon with her to the class and put it in her cardigan pocket and

squeezed it when she felt herself getting tense because

she was struggling to understand. 

She found that as the lecture progressed she was squeezing the lemon less and less and was understanding the tutor a bit better

I asked if she had any questions and then started recording the session again for her and said we would do a short relaxation exercise in a moment followed by some work related to her classroom environment then a story about a lecture I heard recently that I think she may like and some relaxation and hypnosis.  I asked if she was happy with that structure and she said yes.  

We repeated the relaxation exercise that we had used last week and that Marianne had been practising at home – she said that she wanted to change the inbreath words and the outbreath words which we did.

I then asked Marianne to tell me how education differed here from her China.  She said that she had been educated in a school in Chinawhere lessons were only spoken in English.  The classes were very large – about 40-50 students.  The teacher was like a ‘god / the boss’ and the children were expected to listen and learn and not to ask questions – if they did,  the teacher would ask if they had not been listening / she had not been listening / not being attentive.  Marianne said that she very much liked the British style of teaching – no more than 8 in any tutorial,  you could see the lecturers whenever you liked to discuss any issues ‘ one thing I like even if I couldn’t finish all the work or got it wrong the lecturer will still be impressed because you tried and put some effort in and they won’t say you’re stupid and got it all wrong….western way of teaching is much better.’  Marianne did however say that whilst the lecturers encouraged you to interrupt

‘ but I did not want to ask something that other students may think was a stupid question and I ought to know the answer…they may think don’t waste my time,  we just want the lecture to finish as soon as possible….’ 

She also said that she felt ‘ some tutors expect each student to talk / to share what they think / answers they have written down – for me I try not to talk unless no-one is saying anything then I will speak out and let the tutor know I have done my work…….if there are students who are particularly outstanding then I will switch off…I find it very odd with myself when I feel nervous,  I talk in a way that is very strange like how Chinese people speak English but when I’m with people I am familiar with sometimes I pick up the British accent and things and talk,  I feel ok.  I don’t want them to hear that I feel nervous and speak in a way that is flat intonation…that’s the problem.  In my first two years of study I did not talk much in class because I was brought up to listen and learn.’ 

Marianne and I then had a discussion which looked closely at the information she had shared with me and the language she had used.  For example she said that if she ‘got work wrong’ – I asked her to give me an example of this and during her explanation Marianne started to use language like ‘ I had not included a financial example with the homework so the tutor suggested I add one to improve the work I had done.’  

She was beginning to realise that her work had not been ‘wrong’ but rather could be improved by the addition of a small example and that she was indeed a student learning a subject with a tutor there to teach her and help her learn the subject as well as she could – therefore there was no right and wrong,  rather different ways of answering a question.  And that the learning process in tutorials was not judgemental,  perhaps the only ‘judge in the room’ was herself and the language she was using ( eg. she used the term ‘stupid’ ) was somewhat harsh.

She may perhaps accept that whilst that ( stupid ) was a term used in her childhood education environment she was now grown up and studying in a completely different environment – one that was not judgemental – and that this ‘voice in her head that she could hear telling her she was stupid ’ could benefit from a little updating.  She used the term stupid several times during this discussion and also during the initial telephone conversation. 

We decided to ‘bin it’ as an out of date word. 

We also discussed that she felt some tutors ‘ expected ’ students to speak out in lectures – I asked her how she knew they expected this and she said that she felt awkward when there was a silence in class and felt she should answer to prove she had done her work but she would rather not speak out in case she said something and the other students thought she was ‘ stupid ’( we binned it again and she smiled at herself ). 

I asked her if she simply sat there and did not say anything how would she feel and she said that she thought someone else would then say something and she would feel better.  I smiled and suggested she take her lemon into class and squeeze it when she needs to relax and only answers when she chooses to. We then discussed the importance of never making assumptions,  not taking anything personally,  always doing her best and being impeccable with her word as fundamentals for strong personal foundations.

I said that I was now going to share with her one of my stories about a lecture I had attended recently and we could follow this with some relaxation and hypnosis to help her feel more comfortable in group and study environments. 

Extracts of the script follow :

 ‘………….in a beautiful old lecture hall…sitting comfortably…..and there are a few other friends around her…. the friend she is now sharing a house with…. and everyone is waiting for someone else to come into the stage…. you can hear people talking in hushed voices and smell the wood and varnish in the room……’

‘…….and you know you have invited a few friends to share and listen to a lady speak here this evening and you are pleased to see that the hall is slowly filling up….. there are people you know and people you do not know………. people have invited their own friends…..to your show…..……and now the lights in the old hall dim slightly and the lady walks into the hall and starts to speak……her name is………’

 ‘……a story teller and a researcher…..and she is going to tell you her story about Connection……….she says Connection is why we are all here…….Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives… …’

‘………….she says that when she asks people what Connection means to them she receives all sorts of answers mainly about what disConnection is……….in the same way when she asks people what Belonging means to them she hears excruciating stories of what being excluded is all about……..about not belonging………she says her research shows her people fear disconnection………people ask themselves what is wrong with me that means I am not connected ….. am I not good enough ….. am I stupid ……..’

‘………….and she says she believes these feelings and thoughts are underpinned by a sense of Vulnerability………..she says there are two types of people whom she has met…………those people who have a deep sense of worthiness…..  love …..and belonging …these are the people who truly believe they are worthy of love and belonging and connection……….and there are those people who do not ……..because they do not think of themselves as worthy……. ‘

‘………do you know what is unique to those people who have a sense of worthiness …..they are whole hearted people……….they have Courage……….Courage comes from the Latin ‘ cor ’ which means heart ……….they have the courage to tell the story of who they are with all their heart………they have the courage to be imperfect…….’

‘…………..they are able to let go of who they felt they should be in order to be who they are………..they fully…. embrace…. Vulnerability………..they believe what made them vulnerable made them beautiful……..it was not excruciating or painful but rather necessary……..’

‘……….they have a fundamental willingness to do something with no idea how it will turn out………vulnerability is the core of fear but it is also the birth place of creativity and flare and belonging……….’

‘…….….lean… into… vulnerability……..love even when there are no guarantees …..vulnerability means you are alive…..believe you are enough…..’

‘……….and she says to you because she knows you have been listening intently to her………from now onwards you will find that the content of your classes will take on a great deal more meaning………you will want to ask many more questions in class…………..’

‘……….you will become more and more absorbed in the content of what is being taught as each new fact and concept to emerge becomes more vivid and more interesting than those which have gone before………’

 ‘…..and this will give rise to more questions resulting in even more desire to know…………as these questions are satisfied in turn, the process will continue at an ever increasing rate………for the more your aroused curiosity is fed the stronger it is certain to become………. ’

Extracts only

Marianne orientated well and was very relaxed.  We had a brief discussion about the hypnosis and vulnerability however I did not want to over load Marianne or spoil any affect by over working the script.   I asked for homework that she think about the way she hears herself speak to herself in her mind and if she could identify any specific voices / characters and give them names and list their characteristics.  For example a Judge who may make ‘ judgemental comments ‘ or a Victim who may feel hard done by.  I encouraged her to find and name her own characters for example the little girl who dreamed of studying abroad could be Braveheart and so on in time for the next session. 

6.30-8pm

Preparation –

Marianne had agreed she would come today with a few ideas of the personalities that were in her mind eg.  Braveheart. I wanted to address the fact that perhaps it was the voices in Marianne’s mind that were causing her anxiety and stress, her own high standards.

For example she did not want to go home without her degree as it would be a ‘waste of her fathers money’ however we had already established in session one that actually her family wanted her to be happy above all and if she returned home then that would not be a problem.  It was Marianne who had ‘decided’ that she did not want to return home because she would miss lectures / waste her parents money / fail / spoil the dream etc.  I felt that perhaps Marianne was being a little hard on herself.

 I hoped that if Marianne could identify certain characters in her mind then she could dissociate from what they were saying to her – they were merely voices with opinions and whilst she was welcome to listen to them she could also say ‘ thanks,  but no thanks ’ to them and make her own decisions.  The dissociation has the potential to ‘take some of the heat ’ out of a situation/ emotion / feeling. 

Having talked to Marianne about her characters and the advantage of dissociation I wanted to then look at slowing down her thought / feeling / action processes again ‘to take some of the heat out  ’ for her benefit and to discuss how

even the smallest of changes can lead to more positive outcomes.

The purpose of today’s session was for Marianne to focus inwards and consider that she is not the voices in her mind – she is Marianne,  and as such she has control over what voices she listens to and how she acts.  It may not be the noise from next doors television that is stressing her but rather perhaps ( and she would have to come to any conclusions herself ) the fact that the Victim character in her mind was telling her that even if she wanted to watch tv she did not have the time / there was too much work to be done etc I stress again here that any conclusions would have to be Marianne based – not led by me.  The purpose of the exercise is to consider that she is not the voices in her mind and to build her confidence.

The Session – 6.30-8pm :

Marianne was on time for her appointment.  We chatted about her week and she said that she was very much enjoying the new host house and spending time with her housemate.  They were enjoying cooking together something that Marianne had very little experience of as at home the family had employed a maid – Marianne was proud of the independence cooking gave her and she enjoyed the process ( no surprise there since she likes structure ).  Marianne said that she felt she was not so much a little girl anymore.  Marianne had enjoyed thinking about the voices in her mind and a discussion followed around who her characters were,  their attributes,  the problems they may cause,  who was the loudest speaker,  who sat quietly,  who lurked unseen until the last minute etc and the names she had given them. We then looked at several areas of her life that were causing her stress for example she still felt that she would like to feel more included with the British students.  We discussed Marianne’s classroom environment during a tutorial and her feelings when a lecturer may ask a question –

we discussed her feelings from the point of view of all her characters and then went back to the situation to see if she felt any better. 

She enjoyed the exercise very much and said that she felt much stronger when she placed herself back into the imaginary classroom.  We re-visited session two where we had discussed never making assumptions and not taking anything anyone said personally and this reinforced a more positive feeling.

I then said that today’s session would focus on Marianne not being the voices in her mind and that whilst we may believe we are ‘thinking creatures that feel ’ we are physiologically ‘feeling creatures that think.’  Our bodies still retain the primitive fight or flight response however we are rarely ‘running from tigers anymore.’  If we can pause before we decide what to do in a situation and not listen just for a moment to the feeling to either ‘fight or run ( flight ) or even freeze’ then we have time to think about our options.  I said we would look at a diagram and then finish with some relaxation and hypnosis.  I asked if she was happy to continue/ any questions and she was fine.

I said I would like to draw for her a diagram to illustrate visually how even the smallest of changes can bring about positive ( or negative )overall change.  The exercise involved Marianne’s Thoughts /  Moods / Behaviours / Physical reactions and her Environment and the relationships between each and all of them.  We made small alterations to individual aspects and then talked about the overall change(s) those alterations had caused.

There was no right and wrong answer – We did this using several different situations until Marianne was really smiling.  I gave her a photocopy of the model that I had printed off for her in advance of the session to take away.  I then opened a book that I had prepared and showed her David R. Hawkins Map of Consciousness which tabulates the progression from Shame to Guilt then on up to Apathy – Grief –Fear – Desire – Anger – Pride – Courage – Neutrality – Willingness – Acceptance – Reason – Love – Joy – Peace and finally to Enlightenment.  The table includes relevant words and emotions at all levels the point being that even a small change ‘up’ the table with regards to positive active changes a person makes themselves in emotions and processes leads to gradual overall improvement and wellbeing.  Marianne was fascinated with the table and understood it immediately – I gave her a copy to take away.

I was aware of time and also that we had worked quite hard and asked if she would now like to relax and enjoy some hypnosis.

I used a script that focuses on self –definition and taking care of self which I modified slightly to utilize personal information and Marianne’s auditory modality.

Extracts follow :

‘….…let each breath relax you and let your thoughts run loose for a while until they tire themselves out …and little by little they can slow……..becoming very slow……….so that more and more of your mental energy can be spent on learning at the deepest levels within yourself…………’

‘….…about the experience of being so distant from all the usual focal points of your awareness so that you really know deeply that all the inner terrain…your inner landscape…can be travelled comfortably…looking at this natural formation and that natural formation…….the feelings and the thoughts………the historical markers  …your curiosity…and a very deep recognition of inner capabilities…’

‘………and each square inch of your skin…is a boundary…between your inner world and the outer world…you are self contained …………’

‘ ….it is the kind of permeable wall that when someone makes a comment during a conversation that perhaps you can relate to …that permits a comfortable distance…a protective…distance from which to consider each bit of input…and you can feel secure that each persons feedback to you will have to check in at your front gate…’

‘…………..before you decide to let it in or not….before you decide whether to react or not…and if you react…to decide how you’ll react…based on what works and feels good at the deepest levels for you……within yourself…….’

[ Extracts only ]

Marianne re-orientated well and was relaxed – we had a discussion and she said that she liked very much the ideas that walls can be built and then changed,  she liked the element of control.  As with the last session I did not want to ‘over discuss’ the script for fear of overloading her unless she had any specific questions.  I asked if she had any questions and if she had any requests for our final session of the four we had proposed.  She said she had an exam coming up and would like to focus on study skills.  I suggested that her homework this week would be to continue with the self-hypnosis and to apply the Five Aspects of Your Life Experiences model to anything she felt relevant.

Preparation –

We had spent a lot of time over the last three sessions quietening the voices in Marianne’s mind and helping her to be a bit kinder to herself – realising that she herself was putting herself under pressure and showing her how to be more comfortable with herself and love herself more.  Marianne had asked for assistance with study skills this week as she had an examination in three weeks.  I considered that she may benefit from a much more active process now since she had experienced and learned to relax well over the past three weeks and was more confident within herself. Marianne very much respects structure and as such I thought

an ‘  active alert trance ’

would be both of benefit to her and of interest to her.  She had enjoyed the Five Aspects of Your Life Experiences exercise and also the Map of Consciousness infact she had emailed me in the week to say that she liked the ‘games’ we had played.

The Session –

Marianne was on time and relaxed and we chatted about her week – she was pleased to say that she had managed to secure a job over the Summer at the University making contact with the Education Agencies in China ( a huge business in China since many parents do not speak English so rely on agencies to place their children in Universities in the UK ) and encouraging them to use the University she was attending. 

I explained as usual the structure of today’s session namely that we would do a short exercise and then something quite different ‘ because she is a bright young woman and because I think she is ready for this exercise…..not everyone is ready for this…but you have done really well and you have a quick mind and I think it will help you in your examination and in your studies.’ I said that we would not do any hypnosis today rather an alert trance exercise.  I asked her is she was ok with that and she said she was ‘ happy to have a go.’

We completed the short relaxation exercise then I explained to Marianne that we were going to do an exercise that would help her with her concentration and reading which were common concerns for many students and that once she has learned these techniques successfully she will no longer have a problem with reading or concentration. The techniques will require her to practise them whenever possible however they will take up very little of her time – they require establishing a specific set of cues. I said that I may need to touch her arms at one point for demonstration purposes and asked if she was ok with that which she was.

We proceeded with an eyes open alert trance which I took directly from Hypnotic Suggestions and Metaphors Hammond 1990.  It is a very powerful alert trance experience.  It benefits as does self-hypnosis from practise and can be used during study time,  reading time,  examinations

– it potentiates a state of deep focussed attention.

Afterwards,  it took Marianne a few moments to speak although she was clearly out of trance.  She said that she had very much enjoyed the alert trance experience and believed it would help her greatly.  I was not surprised since she respects structure and order and despite the difficulties of English as a second language may present she enjoys studying and the rewards it brings with it.  She had said many times over the previous weeks that a Degree from the UK would guarantee her a much better job if and when she returned home and she was already looking towards a Masters Degree in the UK. She had achieved Distinction for her studies at her previous university in Surrey.  I suggested that the new technique she had learned often worked well if she broke down study subjects into small segments however with practice she would find out what worked for her best.  I also said that

studying was an ‘alert’ process and so getting yourself into an alert and focussed state of mind before and during study would have obvious advantages – ‘ active studying and concentrating.’

Marianne was doing this for herself.

I thought ‘ Marianne doing things for herself’ was a very appropriate way to conclude this final session.

She thanked me very much for all our work together and assured me that she would keep in touch and probably visit again just before her examination.  I wished her lots of luck and said that she had done very well indeed – we had worked hard and I had seen great growth in her. I gave her a lemon as a momento and she smiled.

END

Thankyou for reading Marianne’s story.  If you would like to work with me or have any questions please do not hesitate to call.  There will be no obligation to book an appointment and I will not rush you off the telephone. Fiona : 07968 106113

 

If anything is of interest to you or you think that you would like to work with me please feel free to give me a call – there will be no obligation to book an appointment. 

 

Therapy is two way – both parties have to be able to work together. 

 

The above case study is only a small example of how I work and I assure every client that their treatment programme will be unique to them. 

 

We find out together where you are today and where you want to be – and then how we are going to get you there in a way that you are happy with and understand.

I enjoy my work immensely and am thorough in my preparation for your sessions.  I look forward to hearing from you when you are ready.