Tuesday August 2nd 2011
This is my blog about my decision to address my own fear of needles. I thought that it would be a valuable exercise for me as a therapist to find out what it is like to come to terms with a phobia and to deal with it. This is only my own personal experience and thoughts and I am writing it so that I can track my own progress over the next few months / year. I hope you find it interesting.
Background.
For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of needles. Whilst I have never actually fainted at the sight of one, the thought of them and the then sight of one for an injection etc has made me feel that I was going to collapse or faint. I used take a sharp breath in just at the thought of an injection and used to feel dizzy. I made sure where possible that I was always first in the queue for an injection at school so that I did not have to watch the process over and over again until it was my turn. Which I believed made my symptoms worse combined with the usual school kid antics of people saying ‘ the needle got stuck in me, they had to do it twice, I jumped out of my skin and so on ……’ By the time I got to the front of the queue the fact that ‘ I may feel a little scratch ’ went completely unheard. My mind was already focussed on the needle handing out of my arm and all the other comments that I had heard as various friends passed me in the queue. I was by this time hot all over, rigid ( no, wiggling my toes will not help ! ) and needing to sit down quickly ( which was certainly not allowed – it takes too long and we have 30 kids to inoculate ) before I felt like I was going to keel over.
It all made for some dire memories and emotions all of which were no use the next time I needed an injection or some blood taken.
I’m sure – now I’m writing this I remember – that the fact that my dad ( a now retired GP ) used to bring injections home to give to my mum when she needed them and put them in the fridge did not help as a child. My mum was – and still is ( despite being a midwife ) – terrible at receiving injections. And I have memories of my dad chasing my mum round the house trying to give her the injection because she was such a nightmare and would not go to the surgery. I think in the end he gave up and told her she had to see another Doctor or nurse. Anyway, I have memoires of him chasing her round the house with an injection in his hand and her making such a fuss. Who knows if the memory is accurate – I suspect not given how our mind plays tricks with us. However a memory it is and that combined with my experiences at school started to build me up quite an effective phobia.
As an adult ofcourse I had to have adult responses to having injections and blood taken. I had to tell myself that the injection would keep me safe, allow me to go on a nice holiday to somewhere exotic and so on however all my talking to myself probably just made the problem worse. I would book an injection and then think about it for a week until the day of the appointment and then continue talking to myself about how I knew I would respond – thus reinforcing learned behaviour. So by the time of the injection I was often worse – certainly no better.
I used to sit down with the nurse and tell her ‘ I need to tell you that I have been know to faint during an injection ( I add here that I have never fainted – ever ). I’m really bad. You need to not tell me anything about what you are going to do and especially do not tell me what you are going to use. You can either ask me questions about my holiday or I will just talk randomly – maybe complete rubbish – until I think you have finished and then I’ll count to 20 just to make sure……..’
To which most nurses then got worried in case I fainted and asked if I wanted to lie or sit down – which made the situation worse as clearly – to me – this was talking about the injection which started the whole phobic response off. Or rather, turned it up a notch or two.
My responses / reactions :
I would breath in an out very deeply which made me feel light headed – which turned the phobic response up another notch or two
Go hot and cold – up another notch.
Drop my head down as I was usually by this time feeling very light headed ( up another notch ) and then start talking rubbish in a very stilted and deliberate way.
My mouth would be dry ( up another notch )
The blood would be pounding in ears and my heart pounding in my chest ( up two more notches ).
My feet would feel really heavy by now and like they had got stuck to the floor and my hands would be clammy ( up another notch ) and if the nurse then uttered any words like – ‘ I don’t think this is a very good vein, let’s have a look at your other arm ’ then my response would escalate to fleeing point – except I could not move as my feet were ‘stuck’ to the floor, she had a needle in my arm and I felt dizzy.
All in all it was never a good experience.
It is interesting that I never had any fear of the dentist or him giving me an injection. I’ll have to give that some thought in due course.
So I decided to do some self hypnosis to gain control over my phobic response since I now knew that my symptoms were linked to my flight or fight response ( please read my case study of Tom in Symptoms on my home page for more details ). My body was put on alert by the impending injection and given that it had no idea what it had to be afraid of or how to prepare for it, it did what our bodies always do when they are frightened – prepare to fight or flight ( run ). It releases adrenaline into our systems which makes the heart beat faster and sends blood to our larger muscles so that we can run ( or fight ). My dizziness was caused partly by the blood rushing to my legs to enable me to run if I needed to as quickly as possible and also by the tiny muscles behind my eyes contracting and relaxing in response to the adrenaline release. My heart was pounding because of the adrenaline and the noise I could hear in my ears was also the blood rushing up into my head past my ear. My mouth went dry because you don’t need to eat when you are ‘running or fighting’ so digestive processes are shut down and my hands went clammy in an attempt by my body to pre-cool before the ‘ fight or flight.’
What I also found out was that the body releases noradrenaline which stimulates the liver to release fats and sugars into the system in preparation for the flight or fight. However if those sugars and fats are not used up they are absorbed back into the body. Which may not be particularly helpful since the body does not know that they have not been used and instead makes you crave sugary and fatty foods to replace what it thinks has been lost. So if you happen to be trying to lose weight at the time of the stress response and if you do not ‘flight or fight’ you not only crave fatty foods after the incident ( and invariably eat them ) but you also reabsorb what your body thinks it has lost.
I also found out that the body releases Cortizol as part of the stress response which thickens the blood just in case you get injured in the ‘flight or fight.’ Which can be helpful if indeed you are injured however it can cause blood clots which can in turn cause a stroke.
So – I realised that actually the phobic reaction I was having / the stress response was not at all healthy for my body ( or for my mind ).
I knew that I had to have a blood test – about 6 months ago – and decided that that was a good time to work towards dealing with my phobia. I booked the appointment giving myself a week to work with myself. I practised relaxation techniques and self-hypnosis in which I took myself in my imagination to a safe place. I imagined myself sitting there very calmly and looking at everything around me. I filled in the gaps in my mind until I felt like I was really there – the smells, the colours, the sounds, the textures. I believed I was there. I then started to play with being there in my mind –
‘ I looked round corners and created new places, I built sculptures in the garden, I chose pieces of glass and wood that I found whilst walking along a beach and took them back to my safe place and made them into beautiful things ’ – all in my mind.
I practised and practised visiting the safe place I had created in my mind until I could go there just by closing my eyes – and instantly I was there. I could even ‘be there’ with my eyes open. I then imagined that there was a beautiful stone fountain in the garden that pulled water up through it and flowed out into a stream that watered the flowers and shrubs and trees of the garden. And that I was in control of the water flow. I decided that I would think of this image when the nurse was taking my blood and that the water flow related in a very positive and non-threatening way to my blood. I would breathe normally and allow the blood to flow focussing on my outbreath as the ‘flowing’ breath. I had read that people who use hypnosis instead of anaesthetic often have very little bruising afterwards ( and none of the side effects that the anaesthetic may have caused ).
I prepared myself fully for the appointment with the nurse and was completely relaxed in the waiting room. If I felt any stress starting I simply closed my eyes and went to my safe place instantly – just knowing I could access it at any time was so powerful. When I sat down with the nurse I was absolutely fine. I did not tell her I may faint or that she must not mention what she is about to do. I had a completely normal conversation and made myself watch everything that the nurse was doing. I know that historically any sight of needles, trays, bottles, syringes, generally any medical detritus and even the smell of the surgery would start my heart pounding and the stress response would start ‘ notching up.’ I add here that my intention professionally is to work in operating theatres providing hypnotherapy as an alternative to pain relief and anaesthetic – dental and medical procedures, childbirth, brain surgery, relief from the symptoms of cancer and so on and I am on a course at present that will eventually enable me to do this – so it is important that I overcome my phobia. Getting back to my appointment with the nurse –
I vividly recall enjoying the opportunity to test my desensitisation and psychologically as each second passed – and they seemed to pass in slow motion – I grew more and more confident. At first I was aware that the odd little fear would be creeping up on me however as soon as I noticed it ‘creeping up on me ‘ I immediately took myself to my safe place in my mind. I did not have to close my eyes as I had managed to be able to take myself there even if my eyes were open. I could see it and feel it and most of all believe that it was a safe place as if it was around me and within me and protecting me. And whilst initially there were a few instances when I knew I had to find my safe place the instant I found it I regained control, and by re-visiting it as necessary the practise gave me confidence that it was working and total belief in myself that I had indeed learned how to control my fear. I became so interested in the process that I made myself look at things that I knew I would have struggled with in the past – I found myself testing and challenging myself ‘for fun’ which was not something I had anticipated at all. For quite a lot of the time I felt that I was outside myself watching myself – I was dissociated from the ‘exercise / task ’ which was powerful.
I heard myself congratulating myself.
I then concentrated on the lovely old stone fountain in the middle of my garden ( in my mind ) and relaxed very deeply indeed associating the clear running water with my blood and when I saw that the nurse had inserted the needle into my vein – even being able to write that last sentence without feeling sick is incredible – I timed my breathing so that when she drew the blood I breathed out ‘ to assist the blood flow.’
The entire experience was powerful, encouraging and a bit bizarre at the same time firstly in that I felt dissociated from myself – like I was watching/ directing a movie – and secondly that things happened that I would not have anticipated like the fact that I became intent on testing and challenging my desensitisation.
When the nurse finished there was barely a mark on my skin and no bruising at all. In the past they had often had trouble drawing blood from me and I was always left with a terrible bruise. Literature that I have read says that hypnotherapy when used as an alternative to anaesthetic often leaves less or no bruising, the body bleeds less during surgery and the patient does not have the side affects afterwards of any anaesthetic.
I was confident after the appointment that I would no longer have any problem with taking blood or watching the procedure being done. I have since re-lived the appointment in my mind to many times practise my response and also if there is something on the television that involves needles / surgery and so on I watch it and monitor my responses. It is important to practise and test new responses so that they become learned and eventually embedded into your subconscious so that you acquire an unconscious competence. The process of addressing my fear took me from –
Conscious Incompetence – I knew I was not good at dealing with my fear
to Conscious Competence – I knew what I had to do and how to do it
and I was working towards Unconscious Competence – responding in a new more healthy way to my historic fear without the process being a Conscious one / responding without thinking. ( Neuro Linguistic Programming – NLP )
August 20th 2011
When I joined the course that I am attending at present one of the questions that was asked was what any of us hoped to achieve and I commented that I had a phobia that I had been working with myself and intended to test it as soon as possible by giving blood. This was my next challenge after the nurse drawing blood ‘ test.’ I know that even looking at a sign advertising the blood service used to make me feel sick and go cold and feel very strange indeed. After the birth of my son I had to have a blood transfusion that they said would take at least four hours to complete and I remember begging them and crying not to have it done and when infact I was having the transfusion I was in a pretty stressed state. The only thing that kept me ‘ hooked up’ and not running out of the hospital was that I had my baby next to me, a very stern practical nurse sitting outside my room and also the fact that I could not even bring myself look at the tube going into my arm so there was never any chance of touching it, never mind pulling it out. I sat there rigid and stressed for over four hours. It was not good at all. So for me to say that I intended to give blood was quite a challenge.
We have a very amusing and good tutor on our course who has an instinct for your weak points and the ability to convince you that you really want to help yourself even if it means a little ‘ no pain, no gain’ routine. He offered me a ‘ fast phobia cure ’ for my phobia since whilst I had overcome my fear of needles and drawing blood, the thought of giving blood was still a bit of a wobble for me. I think it was because the process would take longer, it was something I had no experience of and was generally a ‘bigger commitment / experience’ in my mind. However I did want to give blood and was truly ready to do it so when David offered his help I felt confident and happy and ready to go ahead.
I relax into hypnosis very easily by choice and do not need lengthy inductions –
‘ Fiona, close your eyes when you are ready ’does the trick. David then talked me through a journey through my emotions relating to my Fear. He talked to me and I answered his questions and when I could not find an answer he asked another question until we both moved to a helpful answer ( NLP ). We traced my fear slowly and carefully right back to school in the biology lab when everyone was being encouraged to prick their finger to test their blood group. I remember not being able to do it at all and getting a friend to give me her pin prick of blood. The images in my mind that were being re-visited were strong and as if I was right back there in class and the emotion of the situation very real indeed. Once David had really drilled down to the strongest of my emotions and the situations related to them so that we both had an understanding of them ( therapy is all about working together ) he moved the emotion into a place where I was confident controlling it – my stomach.
What had been quite a testing, honest and tough few minutes of sensory exploration suddenly disappeared. As soon as it ‘ hit my stomach – an area I feel very confident controlling – it completely disappeared. All the emotion that had built up whilst we had been talking disappeared – like a boil that had been lanced. It was incredible.
We then did some more work to reinforce the control and I ended up with a very vivid personal picture that I created in my mind of a tube connecting my right hand thumb ( the initial pin prick ) to my stomach and then out to the hollow in my elbow where they take the blood and into two cartoon people who were holding hands and back into the right hand thumb again.
A complete loop – as if my blood and that of other people were connected / dependant. It was so strong and so powerful and I can visualise ( and feel it ) it instantly now.
I came home and booked myself into the next session of the local blood donor group which was on August 25th and was very pleased indeed. Again I was keen to test my newly acquired desensitisation.
August 23rd 2011
Two days before my blood donation. I was so excited which was fascinating – such a different response to the Fear I have had historically. I was also proud of myself. It became the focus of all my thoughts. However, I also woke up with what I suspected was a urine infection. I drank more water than is possible and plenty of cranberry juice but by the 24th I was at the Doctors who gave me antibiotics. I am not going to even say I was disappointed – I was nothing short of gutted. Not at the infection but that I may not be able to give blood. I asked the Doctor who said that as it was mild he didn’t see a problem with giving blood if I delayed starting the antibiotics however advised that I call the Blood people. Needless to say, they were very kind however they did not want my blood and worse than that because I was then going to be taking antibiotics they could not book me in to donate again until the middle of September – which I booked.
I was fascinated by my response – I was so disappointed and felt at one point that I wanted to ‘stick a needle in my vein’ just to prove I could ( not something I would ever do or recommend ). I feel completely confident about giving blood and only recently found out that you can only donate every now and again – there was me thinking it would be a monthly thing !
So self – hypnosis and hypnotherapy using a ‘fast phobia cure’ has got me to this point. I’m very keen to give blood and monitor my response.
Writing this today I feel excitement – a far cry from Fear. I am smiling as opposed to feeling sick, heart pounding, feeling dizzy, feeling clammy, hot and cold flushes and the desire to run. And my daily thoughts related to it are positive and enjoyable with a true feeling of looking forward to something – again, a far cry from dreading an appointment.
And on top of all that I saw a monster spider in my house the other day. Usually I am not good with them at all. I do not kill them – I have a very effective spider catcher that I use to collect them and pop them outside. However they are not my best even. This time – I was immediately aware that I was not half so fearful. I can only suppose that my control over my blood / needles Fear has also given me more control over anything else that may make me Fearful. Again – very interesting indeed and not something I would have anticipated.
I’ll let you know the date I have booked for my blood donation– more in due course.
Wednesday 14th September – I am booked in to donate blood the last week in September and am very much looking forward to it. In fact I am excited about it. The new feeling that I have towards needles / blood / medical detritus is amazing. I could barely even look at the sign to donate blood before as it triggered my stress response. Now – I am frustrated by the wait. I so want to test my new perspective and until today it was all going well and I was heartily patting myself on the back. And it was having great spin offs to other phobic reactions like spiders which I suddenly became aware that I was not affected in the same way by them anymore.
However……. I saw John today ( my mentor ) and I was excitedly telling him about this and he – as always – listened patiently and quietly the way he always does until he was completely sure I had got all my enthusiasm out of my system, then he waited just a few seconds more, then opened his drawer and took out a needle and lighter ( to clean it ), drew his chair closer to mine and proceeded to talk and poke his own finger at the same time drawing blood. He said that it’s all very well feeling and believing that something is ‘ fixed ’ however it’s always a good idea to test it. Which is what I was going to do by giving blood however my reaction to him pricking his own finger went straight back to my original phobic response and there was no way at all that I could have done what he was doing. He did it twice ( show off ! ) and continued to poke around it whilst we were speaking amusing himself by my uncomfortable response.
Funny that whilst he was poking round the outside of his finger that was fine, but the finger pad was not good at all. I knew that perhaps I still had a weak point there however had decided to dissociate myself when they did the pin prick at the blood centre much in the same way that I can now do with injections etc.
Also interesting was that the feeling went straight to my stomach – which is where I moved it to when I was having my fast phobia cure on my course. I feel very much in control of my stomach. As soon as the phobic response went there I felt in control of it to the point that I am still happy to give blood so it was a good test. I now know I’m going to have to work on the dissociation between now and the end of September to make sure I don’t ‘ run out of the centre ’ as John put it. So – the point being – it is important to test new perspectives and practise them. I re-charge my anchors daily and use therapeutic tools as and when necessary so I am constantly improving the power and strength of them. This one is a new one that I’m going to have to deepen and work on. He says we will do some more work next week – he’s got a long way to go before I prick my own finger. He says it’s the fear that stops me doing it – you don’t say ?!! however, lots of people can and do do it. I’ll let you know how I go on next week with John.
Friday 16th September – my cat sat on my lap last night and I let it squeeze its claws into the pads of my fingers which is something I did not used to be able to tolerate. It used to make me feel queezy and sick and make my toes curl. I just relaxed into the sensation with complete awareness. I made no effort to dissociate. And I was fine. It was as if time had slowed down because I was completely focussed on what I was doing. This morning I managed to pierce the pad of my right hand index finger – by accident – on a staple as I was separating two sheets of paper. My knee jerk reaction was surprise and pain and sickness since for a second it was still stuck into my finger and then instantly as my awareness kicked in I relaxed and breathed in and out and ‘enjoyed’ the experience of controlling my emotions. I was not aware of even talking myself through the calming process – moreover a belief kicked in. That I no longer reacted in this way and that the pain was only a response which would be magnified if I continued to allow it to grow. I ‘ thanked ‘ my body for the warning ( since it is important that my body tells me if there is something wrong ) and the told ‘it’ I was ‘taking over from here.’ And the pain subsided and did the sickness and toe curling response. I looked at the staple and the blood that was coming out of my finger and removed the staple. I cleaned the scratch and thanked my body for sending whatever it needed to do to make sure that any infection was fought accordingly which reminded me of a great little drawing that is in one of the books that I am reading. It was drawn by a cancer suffer who wanted to support their visualisations of the chemotherapy and their own immune system fighting the cancer cells by drawing a picture of what she thought they looked like. She drew big healthy immune system cells and the chemotherapy like big ‘pac men’ with big shark style teeth snapping up the cancer cells. With a smile on their face as they did it. Its such a raw and powerful drawing.
Anyway, I then proceeded to rub and poke the staple over the pad of my finger which I realised I have never done. Much like I have never pricked my finger. So I have developed an entire quite unpleasant reaction to something I have never done – something I have feared. When I actually rubbed and scrached the staple over my finger it was not half so bad as I thought. I became engrossed in the sensation and the bizarre sense that I have been afraid of something quite simple and safe that I have never done. Even thinking about it now is worse than actually doing it. It’s like I default back to my learned response as soon as I think about pricking my finger, despite the fact that I now know it is not half so bad when I actually scratch my finger. I have not pricked it yet – mmmm, I’m not ready for that yet. Fascinating.
Friday 23rd September – I had a very powerful session today with John – my mentor -and was happy to work with him to complete the final piece of my jigsaw ie to prick my own finger. The work actually addressed other stuff in my life which was not surprising at all, I guess phobias develop from other things. They rarely ‘ stand alone. ‘ I am pleased to say that I came home afterwards and after about 10 minutes of internal dialogue and some external dialogue – I think the out loud talking is so important as it physically reinforces committment and boosts the effectiveness of any change work by adding different senses. I spoke ( heard myself ) affirming my change work, I spoke to myself internally, I rubbed and felt my fingers ( touch ) and I looked at ( sight ) where I was going to prick my finger and how I was going to do it. Cumulatively more effective than just thinking about it. So I pricked my finger by choice. And initially it did not bleed so I did it again immediately. I was exceptionally proud of myself and the entire process was fascinating. I realised that I had never rubbed a needle voluntarily over my finger pad and and never pricked my finger voluntarily so I had built up an entire phobia about something I had never done. mmmmm……And when I actually did it I did not suddenly want to go round pricking my finger ‘ because my phobia was fixed ‘ rather I had an awareness that I had over come my fear however it was still fine to not want to do it again. It was fine to not like or want to repeat the experience – however the phobia is now controlled and comfortable. So I’m ready to give blood now and am so looking forward to it – bring it on !
Monday 3rd October : I went to give blood last Thursday at the local community centre and I was actually very excited indeed. I have gone from not being able to look at the vinyl sign advertising the various donation sessions without feeling sick and uncomfortable to ‘ bring it on.’ When I had to re-book my session 6 weeks ago because of a urine infection I was so disappointed and have been fascinated by my complete change in point of view. I have worked hard on my phobia and finally being able to prick my own finger following a very powerful session with my mentor John Glanvill was the last piece in the jigsaw. He had challenged me to do this as he suggested that merely dissociating myself when they ‘ prick your finger ’ onto some beach somewhere was still avoiding a part of the issue. So I went into the hall and made myself look at all the various medical detritus and found myself filled with admiration that I could look at it and be fascinated by what it all did and could do. I was completely fine until they gave me a brochure to read full of what if’s and side effects and asked that I drink at least a pint of water. As I started to read their booklet I felt my phobia response creeping back – feeling sick, clammy, uncomfortable, like my skin was cooling and no longer my own and a general desire to run out of the hall asap. I talked myself round and used all my therapeutic tools – the continuous cycle of a blood filled tube connecting my right hand thumb prick to my stomach to a line of two red cartoon people holding hands and then back again to my right thumb was again very powerful. I control emotions in my stomach and once I ‘move them’ there I know I can control them. So the cycle of blood out from me to help other people and back to me again is very strong indeed. Especially as I had a blood transfusion after the birth of my boy. The connection is poinient. Also leaning into the ‘ fear and strong emotion’ as opposed to running away and hiding from it ( dissociating to a beach and so on ) is equally strong and vital to my control over the emotion. I managed to gain control of my emotions after a few minutes and was aware of a release of ‘ well done you / endorphins ’ when I found myself smiling ( did you know that simply smiling releases endorphins ). The process had been exceptionally conscious and deliberate and I had walked my way through every stage. I guess it will become less conscious as I practise – like any new learned thing. Everything was going very well indeed until they called me over to the nurse who went through my questionnaire with me and then informed me that as I had had a blood transfusion I could never give blood – well not for 5-10 years anyway. I was so so disappointed. I had to stop myself bursting into tears.
What has been so interesting has been change from complete fear to ‘bring it on ’ and the effect that it has had on other things in my life. I am not a great fan of spiders and certainly do not kill them however a somewhat large one decided to grace me with its presence a few weeks ago and I immediately noticed that my response was far less than previous. I was almost oblivious to it and this has been the same for other things. So working with one phobia has affected others. And even though I was so upset about not being able to give blood and ‘test’ my new state the process of coping with the disappointment in itself was valuable. How many times do we plan to do something and then it does not happen…? that’s life. Being relaxed about the ‘ not happening ’ and focusing as much on the process as the end result ( or not as the case may be ) has a life lesson. Very interesting indeed. Not sure what my next challenge will be – I’m thinking.
